You're the Man
by majorleeobvious
Summary: Gilbert is a man on a mission and nothing is going to stop him from acquiring his target. Oneshot. Slight Pruhun.


Gilbert took a deep breath and watched the enemy fortress from the shadows. It was large and well lit, but that wasn't going to stop him from completing his mission. Strengthening his resolve, the white haired man stood and marched right over to the entrance.

The doors slid open without any resistance and Gilbert smirked. Such trifles were no match for his sheer awesomeness. Keeping close to the wall so he wouldn't lose his way, the white haired man nimbly made his way past numerous corridors, only briefly stopping to peer into each one before scurrying past when he didn't find what he was looking for. Damn, he had underestimated the enemy—they had hidden his target well.

The jarring squeak of wheels as he prepared to turn a corner stopped him in his tracks and he quickly flattened himself into the space between a nearby column and what looked to be a table decorated with an assortment of sweets. Ooo, Headquarters would surely appreciate some of those. Before he could reach over and snag one of the chocolates, the source of the squeaking approached. Gilbert stilled and watched as a disgruntled worker pushed a cart full of heavy boxes.

Theoretically, he could've grabbed the worker and threatened him until he revealed the whereabouts of what the white haired man was seeking, but that would require entirely too much cleanup afterwards and Headquarters had warned him to be quick. Waiting until the sound of the cart had grown faint, Gilbert swiftly snatched two of the sweets before continuing on his way—he couldn't be too far now.

After ducking down a few more corridors, the white haired man could finally see his target neatly lined up on sturdy metal shelves only twenty feet or so from him. He grinned. Jackpot.

Just as he was about to rush forward and help himself, a gaggle of loud women appeared and blocked his path and he stopped in his tracks. Dammit! Gilbert rocked back on his heels and nearly bumped into one of the fortresses communication devices set into the wall. Managing to steady himself before he alerted anyone to his presence, the white haired man squatted down and sighed in relief.

Once he had regained his bearings, Gilbert quickly tried to formulate a plan. The women didn't seem to be workers, but they were rather loud and obnoxious. He grumbled to himself—lucky bastards definitely had full clearance to wander the fortress at their leisure. There was no way he could insinuate himself into their ranks—he would be spotted right away. If Gilbird had been there with him, then he could've sent him in to create a diversion, but animals weren't allowed in the fortress. Perhaps he could charm his way past the women…no, Headquarters wouldn't like that one bit.

Gilbert grit his teeth as he glanced down at his watch. He was running out of time. If he didn't hurry up and think of something it would be too late. Headquarters had entrusted him with this extremely important mission and he didn't want to let them down. Desperately racking is brains and trying to come up with a possible solution, Gilbert didn't notice the person behind him until a quiet voice spoke up.

"Gil?"

Nearly leaping out of his skin, the white haired man whipped around to find a pair of large, emerald green eyes staring down at him.

"Jesus Christ Lily you scared the _scheiße_ out of me!" hissed Gilbert, careful to keep his voice low. He pulled the girl down into his hiding spot and looked around to see if they had been discovered.

"What are you doing here Gil?" asked Lily, letting her already quiet voice drop to a whisper.

"I'm on a top secret mission."

"Oh, I see."

Gilbert smirked and patted the girl on the head. Leave it to Lily not to pry into specifics and take his explanation at face value. "Why are you here kid?"

"I'm getting supplies with Big Brother."

At her words, a plan started to formulate in Gilbert's head. Lily would surely be able to slip into the loud women's ranks without arousing suspicion. He couldn't disclose his objective, but asking her if she could get the women to move wouldn't give away too much.

"Listen closely kid" said the white haired man, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Ima need you to do me a favor."

"Sure Gil, what do you need?"

"Can you get those ladies to move out of the way?"

Lily nodded. "No problem."

Gilbert watched as the girl easily walked up to the group and addressed them. One of the women smiled and nodded while another said something. Soon, Lily was ushering them away. The girl stealthily waved at him and Gilbert gave her a thumbs up before she disappeared with the women around the corner. Good ol' Lily. He was going to have to remember to buy her some ribbons as thanks.

Now that the obstacle was gone, Gilbert was free to carry out the remainder of his mission. Sneakily darting over to the metal shelves, the white haired man quickly began to survey the vast assortment of boxes lined up before him. He glanced down at his palm where he had hastily scribbled what Headquarters had asked for. Wanting to impress them by being able to complete the mission without having to receive a written copy of his objective, Gilbert had written down everything he could remember from what he had been told as soon as he was out of sight from Headquarters. Of course this meant that his normally rather neat handwriting had been reduced to barely legible scribbles. Squinting at the slightly smudged lines, Gilbert managed to make out the word blue, the number 36, and the letter S circled multiple times. Looking at the different labels printed on the boxes, the white haired man managed to narrow it down to 3 choices. All of them looked the same in his opinion, but he knew Headquarters was rather picky about this kind of thing so he looked at his palm in hopes of finding another clue. Right in the middle, there was an odd shape that Gilbert had assumed was just him scratching out something he had written incorrectly, but if he turned it just so, it sorta looked like a flower…

Glancing at the three boxes in front of him, the white haired man studied the labels on each one. On the corner of the middle box, 2 bright blue flowers were printed—one with the letter S and one with the number 36. Score! Gilbert fist pumped and snatched the box, rushing back towards the entrance.

Now that he had the box, all that was left to do was deactivate it. If he walked out with it as it was, then the fortress' alarm system would be triggered and he would be caught. To avoid that, the white haired man had to scan the box at one of the machines located by the door. Most of them were manned by the fortresses' workers, but a select few were fully automated. Keeping low to the ground, Gilbert quickly crawled past the bored looking workers as they chatted amongst themselves. After a very close call with a woman pushing a metal cart with a small child in it and a teenager holding an armful of snacks, the white haired man managed to reach the area with the machines. Scanning the box—and the two chocolates he had grabbed for good measure—Gilbert swiped the access card Headquarters had provided him with and punched in the corresponding code. After the machine spat out a small slip of paper, he quickly stuffed it into his pocket and ducked out the nearest exit—which was conveniently only a few feet from the machines.

When he was safely outside once more, Gilbert straightened up and reached into his pocket for his cellphone. Scrolling through his contacts, he tapped on Headquarters' number. They picked up on the second ring and a familiar female voice could be heard on the other end of the line.

"Did you get them?"

The white haired man grinned triumphantly. "I got 'em."

Elizabeta sighed in relief. "You're the man."

Gilbert adjusted the box of tampons under his arm as he sauntered over to his car. "I am the man."

* * *

><p>yes. gil was buying liz tampons.<br>huzzah for shitty plot twists!  
>this was inspired by that pruhun fanart floating around the interwebs where gil is on the phone with liz as he is walking out of a store with a box of tampons under his arm (idk who the artist is but yea, creds to them), and my own headcanon that gil is the type of dork to come up with crazy missions and such out of mundane things like shopping or taking out the garbage.<p>

anyway, i hope you enjoyed this short little nonsense fic. any and all reviews are very much appreciated and encouraged!


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